You’re Not Ready
You’re not ready. I remember when I thought I was the only one who understood how to love. How I’d preach that I knew first-hand what it meant to treat someone differently, and I could tell you all the ways I was a better person and a better partner, and if you ever lose me, then you’re damned for life. Was I right? We’ll find out.
There were the other times when I was too sure I wasn’t the one at fault in relationships, and I was somehow too convinced that they didn’t know, won’t say, and can’t know how to be selfless in this thing we embrace as an intimate relationship. Was I right about this one? We’ll find out too.
It took me too long, maybe a while longer, to see and honestly admit that the ways I thought things should be, should go wasn’t exactly how it should go. I took a while to realize the painful truth that I wasn’t ready. Oh, how can I be when all the ideas about bonding with another person are deeply coated with the selfish need to change them, almost suffocating with just how comfortable I was in the wrong room. I tell you that I’m not the only one. There’s plenty of me out there, and we all think we’re ready.
“You’re not ready. You’re not ready if you cannot look yourself in the mirror and understand who you are. You’re not ready if you cannot show yourself all the love you hope another person would. You’re not ready if, somewhere deep down, you desire them so you can change, turn and isolate them from the world. You’re not ready if you lie in their faces and soothe yourself with the conviction that your lies protect.”
You’re not ready if you search for ways to indirectly hurt them or dampen their moods because your ego is somehow stroked when you can provoke a certain kind of reaction from them. You’re not ready when the mind games play over the love songs when you spend longer thinking of ways to torture them. You’re not ready if you don’t understand what love is. You’re not ready if you place some unrealistic expectation on another person and can’t understand why they can’t fulfill the needs you can’t ask of yourself.
I remember when I finally got it when I could finally answer difficult questions about my actions. How I now realized that I wasn’t perfect, wouldn’t ever be, but I finally accepted responsibilities for all the ways I should have acted differently. I owned my shortcomings, accepted my evil, and didn’t blame them on anyone and anything except my choices.
Now, I ask myself three questions before deciding to do something?
- Do I want this?
- What would I do if I have it?
- Would it make any difference if I don’t have it?
Apply this principle to everything, anything, and even anyone. With calm and scary honesty, answer the question, and then you’d know. If you can make it to number 3 without very conflicting answers for 1 and 2, then you might be ready for whatever you’re desiring or wanting in the next phase.
You’re not Ready.