Who are you?

It must have been one of the first sessions I had with my therapist. I remember that virtual meeting cause covid was happening, and I had to appear on that zoom call with my yellow, not fashionable hair bonnet almost resembling my problems. I remember being asked to switch on my camera and panicking because I would be caught unfresh, but the soothing voice from my therapist just did the magic, and there I was, struggling to smile or just be amused by my own anxiety. I mean, I had 99 problems underneath this façade, and a hair bonnet that didn’t make it to the wardrobe must-haves in 2020 shouldn’t even be my problem, but oh well, these are all the signs I needed therapy. Right.

The first question was, “how are you?” Of course, I said I was fine, that one’s easy, and my mind’s thinking, is this really what this will be about? would I be asked how brown I enjoy the coffee I don’t drink. She cut me off my raging thoughts with compliments about my eyebrows and how beautiful I looked without makeup and that, of course, that made me blush because she was damn right, not vainly speaking, but I did look amazing even before hitting the shower. This fact is true. The next question was, what do you want to talk about? And this is where it all started.

My thoughts weren’t in clear patterns, so I must have talked about everything, ranting about my friends, my family, my future, and my love life, the whole time wondering if she understood anything I was saying or just taking notes because I had permitted her to. Still, after what would seem like forever, it was her turn to ask me those questions that felt like someone took some mechanical tools and were keeping the iron doors open so they could peek some more and some more. In this case, it was some ransacking into my deepest thoughts, and I panicked.

Her question left my mouth open for some seconds as I battled with an intelligent response. Who are you? She asked again. I went, I’m.., I’m an Arc… then she cut me off and said, I want to know who you are, and by that, I mean, what is your core? Who are you? You could be jealous or impatient or not ambitious or kind; the answer that’s sought isn’t to judge what’s in the negative or positive; it’s to be aware of who you are, the awareness. I don’t think anyone ever explained it that way. I thought an answer to that question should always be of the great qualities you possess and all the greatness you represent, but I’ve been wrong. I’ve been so wrong.

“Who you are is your core, and you cannot change that.”

The only thing that happens is understanding after gaining this awareness, so if I’m impatient, I’m aware. When I deal with others, I have to recognize that they aren’t at my own pace, which gives me the balance to how I perceive and consider the people around me. The balance is what we all need, nothing gearing towards an extreme, nothing different from our core, so we don’t suffer in misery. Just balance that comes from awareness.

“Who am I? I’m an Ambitious, Compassionate, Kind, Romantic, Jealous, Impatient, Clingy, Competitive, Sensitive, Emotional woman who is a go-getter. Is who I am all the pros or cons? I don’t think of it that way; I never will think of it as an advantage or disadvantage. I would only be aware and keep creating the balance in very conscious efforts.”

Your turn, Who are you?